Is Chris Christie Too Sexy To Be President?

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Author’s Note: For full disclosure, the author of this piece has a pre-existing relationship with Governor Christie. When I was a pharmacy cashier, Christie would occasionally come to the store I worked at to buy bags of jelly beans and every copy of any newspaper he was on the cover of.

Perhaps no national figure in the past decade has seen their national profile grow brighter and fade faster than Christopher James Christie. Rising to local fame after heroically living and working in the general Tri-State area during 9/11, as Governor of New Jersey he was famously not afraid to go toe-to-toe with some of the state’s most notorious villains, namely third grade teachers and any Point Pleasant amusement park operators that tyrannically enforced weight limits on their rides.

Once a popular pick to be the Republican nominee for President, Christie was floated as a potential Vice-Presidential candidate for Donald Trump after failing to secure the nomination himself. Now, two years after unofficially giving up on his job, his term as Governor is set to officially expire in January of 2018. After eight years in Trenton, people everywhere are asking, what’s next for Chris Christie?

A variety of post-gubernatorial options have been floated for the Round Mound of Gabagool by the Pound. There’s been a lot of buzz about launching his own line of pants that sit just below the nipple, and some are saying that the notoriously reticent Christie might even try his hand at talk radio. However, amid all the talk of a path outside of politics, there is still a dedicated crowd clamoring for Christie to try his hand at higher office.

Unfortunately, discussions of Christie’s electoral prospects rarely center on his innovative policy proposals like replacing public high schools with an iPhone app, or forcing cops and firefighters to fight each other in a bare-knuckle brawl to decide which group gets a pension. Instead, anytime the possibility of a presidential run for Christie is mentioned, the first thing the liberal media wants to talk about is his weight.

Lifestyle and “sports” blogs — that latter of which write more about Bieber and the Bachelor than Bobby Bowden — have questioned the motives of Christie’s personal health decisions and subtly mocked his appearance. Sadly, this comes with the territory being a BBW (Big, Beautiful, and Waiting on an appointment from Trump) politician in today’s America.

Despite these prejudices, times are changing, and for the better. Anyone who’s ever purchased a nutrition shake from an Instagram model knows: thick is in. As curvaceous figures grow in popularity, Christie’s political stock will only continue to rise. Liberal journalists can continue their pathetic attempts at fat-shaming Christie, but, as cultural tastes change, his full-bodied physique — once seen as a political liability in 2016 — will make him a sexual icon if he chooses to run in 2024.

While voters may be clamoring for a politician with some junk in the trunk, Christie’s raw sexual charisma might simply be too much for the party to handle in a post-Trump era. Trump’s unpredictable and freewheeling style have landed him with record low approval ratings, and Christie’s tell-it-like-it-is style and raw sexual charisma — Christie once admitted to using a variety of birth control, to include, but not limited to, the rhythm method — may simply be too much as the Republican establishment looks for an anchor of stability and calm following Trump’s presidency.

Carrying his weight with the grace and fierceness of Christina Hendricks mixed with a member of the Hudson County International Longshoremen’s local, his in your face sexuality could scare off big money donors and party bosses looking for a staid and conservative leader like Ben Carson, whose hour-long State of the Union addresses about subsidizing chastity belt manufacturers will make Americans never want to have sex again.

Anyone who has ever found themselves eating a Carls Jr. burger and wondering what the hell they were doing with their lives knows, sex sells. Unfortunately for Christie, the political currents in the Republican party in 2024 will likely be flowing in the opposite direction. While we may be living in a post-bootylicious society, his apple-bottomed figure just won’t be what the party is looking for. As Republicans looks to regain a semblance of normalcy following the Trump era, Chris Christie is simply too hot to be President.